According to Team Captain Mayor Leonie Abella “the 45-mile River Ride is just a stepping stone towards our goal of qualifying for the 5-day 2000-mile Tour of California – or perhaps the U.S. Tour, who knows.”

“Our team is in good shape, everyone is progressing fast and we are satisfied with our team’s performance, DAUSA Cycling Team Manager Leo Montegrande said .”

Leading the pack of the 15-Member DAUSA Cycling Team are Rev. Fr. Eric Cabahug (pari sa Aglipay), Verne “Mr. Cute” Dayondon, (soon to sign a contract as product endorser for Oakley), Barangay Captain Jojo Batucan of Kalubihan and DAUSA’s most promising champion-in-the making Beboy “Spiderman” Ceballos ,

Some financiers (their wives) confessed, “dili na mi maka “Santa Claus” karong pasko, sorry na lang sa mga paryentes sa Danao.

“Sardinas na lang tingali o di ba ukay-ukay ang among i-pinaskuhan, kay kadako ba sa gasto niining DAUSA Cycling Team.”

With STARBUCKS in town, Balikbayans may now have their fill anytime, anywhere (even home service) and be drinking all day to their hearts’ delight. (click read more to see photo of Starbucks)

Rudy Lofranco of Houston, Texas has expressed his intention to invest inquiring how he could apply for a franchise.

His inquiry was referred to Darling Dayondon who sent in the photo and who probably is the original owner of Danao’s Starbucks.

Only recently for U.S. federal employees traveling to countries classified “high risk” including the Philippines, either on official or unofficial trip, attendance in a terrorism seminar is mandatory, also for accompanying spouses. They are provided safety tips on how to avoid becoming victims of terrorist attacks.

Concerned as we are on the well-being and safety of our fellow Danawnaons, we have issued our own travel advisory appropriate for the Balik Danao travelers leaving this September to attend the City Fiesta celebration.

Although, Danao remains the most peaceful city in the country, if not in the world, still we find it necessary to warn Danawanons of possible situations that can be life-threatening.

We have listed the most basic safety tips as a reminder for homebound Danawanon Balikbayans especially those who have not been home for a long time.

Many of these were contributed by past Balik Danao travelers, who had the unpleasant experience or had friends who were victims.

Travel Tips.

• Avoid the beach, from Taytay to Sabang, there are more land mines there than one can find in Algeria or Afghanistan; its olfactory explosion can damage permanently your sense of smell.

• Always on the lookout for wayward pedestrians or drivers of pedicabs or any type of vehicles. When their cell phones beep for incoming text messages, pedestrians don’t stop or drivers don’t pull over to read and answer messages, they just read and respond instantly as they walk or drive. Fish vendors are texting as they walk, freeing their hands off the hapag full of tulingan or tamarong on top their head. If you’re not careful and bump into one, fish can be all over you and into your bra.

• Peeing by the roadside, at a church corner, at the seawall or any public area is now bawal. If you’re a balikbayan caught violating this ordinance you have no choice but request your employer to extend your vacation for another six months or, in the alternative, pay a penalty equivalent to a 3-month ($) salary in lieu of jail. (This is more lenient than the 20 lashes for spitting in a park in Singapore. ed)

• Touching or holding hands with a girl under 18 can be risky and can literally end or ruin your life, regardless your action is consensual. In recent years, a number of foreigners and balikbayans in Cebu have been charged and jailed without bail for statutory rapes of minor, real or imagined. Some enterprising attorneys in Cebu make this type of cases a lucrative cottage industry. They don’t settle for less than two hundred K ($). If found guilty, it is punishable by death or life in prison. (Demand or insist to see a birth certificate or at least, a cedula,(and make copies) if some girls do try to be over-friendly with you.)

• Leave your orig Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Fendi or Chanel handbags at home. With thousands of fakes sold at Colon and Freedom Park, no one will appreciate anymore how classy you are, because even Gaisano tinderas are carrying these signature bags with their lunch of rice and tinabal inside their “Louis Vuitton”. Only the snatchers are sharp enough to distinguish yours is genuine.

• Take off any form of jewelries, fake or real, especially if you need to walk around Colon area to visit your Alma Mater (UV, USJ-R or CCC.) or when you watch a movie and re-enact with your husband or ex-boyfriend your first date at the balcony of Cinema or Majestic Theaters. If your jewelry is real or authentic, 99% chance snatchers will run with it and if it’s fake or fancy, snatchers will have you swallow the fake jewelry and berate you for putting him at unnecessary risk or wasting his time and effort.

• Watch out for a “tuko” (house lizards). There are lots of them in any house in Danao, big or small, kawayan or concrete, If you need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, double check there is no “tuko” lurking inside the “inudoro” bowl before you sit down. One balikbayan was awaken one night by his wife’s scream in the bathroom because a “tuko” gut stuck in her “you know where” when she sat down in the “inudoro”. “It took him a while to pry the thing off of her without taking some of her skin with it. “When I finally got it off, I swear I see a smile on the “tuko’s” face.” Mr. Danao Balikbayan said.

• If you’re a good looking young man, avoid talking or even staring at a beautiful girl otherwise you’ll end up, not as a volunteer but a patient at the Medical Mission. There is a high probability that this pretty lass is a girlfriend of a cop or certain drug dealer. Find out first from the locals her background or lifestory, before making any moves.

• If you really crave for tuba, make sure it comes from a coconut tree, and not made by a ‘chemist’ at the basement of his house, mixing water with citric and a little muriatic acid and food coloring, otherwise, just keep a good supply of Imodium or lomotil.

• One Danao balikbayan in Y2K has this experience and advises: “Because it is most likely you will suffer from an LBM, after eating too much of those exotic fruits or kinilaw, “wherever you go, never, and I mean never, go anywhere without some kind of tissue or toilet paper with you. Yes you may be able to find some restrooms (or CR’s as they’re called there), but they usually don’t stock them with toilet papers because people will take them home. Imagine my surprise when I was in the middle of doing no. 2 when I discovered that the toilet rack is empty and there was no other paper (in any form or shape, not even an “agungal”) I could find within my reach. In SM, there was a vending machine inside the bathroom but outside the stalls, where one can buy toilet papers. I was able to round up enough change for the machine from my pocket, but I have to do a squat-walk just to keep my butt checks separated.”

• Always bring cash with you. Whether you’re buying paltik or kasahos, or paying your hotel bills at El Salvador or Intosan, you pay in cash. Checks or credit cards don’t work in Danao.

• Remember there is no special treatment because you’re with the Balik Danao Group or a DAUSA member; no one is exempt or get free admission at those nightly fiesta events; everyone must buy a ticket to get inside the Gym and those tiketeras at the gate definitely don’t have a change for your hundred dollar bill, when you need to pay only 100 or 200 pesos.

• If you’re attending the Balik Danao Night or any of its nightly events, don’t ever think, because your gown was made by Vera Wang or it’s a DKNY, you now look like Madame Claudia or Melanie Marquez. You need to consult Toribia or Sister Soledad, and get their honest opinion if your dress is appropriate. Remember those “nice” people around you at the Gym are there to watch what the Balikbayans are wearing, and their comments are circulated in seconds by texting. Yes, it’s as if you were at the Oscars and you were some celebrity. To be safe, buy your dress at the Merkado and you’re helping the local economy.

…After a brief rumble in Summit Meeting

Leaders of the fragmented Danao City’s Southern California residents for the first time held a summit meeting at a downtown hotel in an attempt to thresh out their differences and pave the organization of a truly united Danao Association.

The unprecedented move to unite three factions of combative Danawanons of Southern California was initiated by Fr. Jonathan Lao who was approached by concerned and cool-headed town-mates for him to intervene, act as mediator and patch up differences.

The meeting, except for a brief hair pulling incident between leaders of two rival groups, and shouting and making ugly faces among their supporters that prompted hotel management to call the LAPD,  the summit meeting according to Fr. Jonathan Lao, was generally cordial and fun.

“The meeting among our Danao leaders was a great success, I now see my fellow Danawanons working together towards building a strong and cohesive group in California and undertake projects for the people of Danao’, Fr. Lao said.

The sector leaders of three factions one for Suba, one for the Poblacion and another for Looc, who had been in fighting moods most of the time, finally mellowed down after Fr. Jonathan begged their cooperation.

After a brief homily by Fr. Lao, the three leaders hugged, kissed and made peace with each other and subsequently forged a covenant wherein they agreed to organize and fully support one big Danao Association in the entire United States.

It was further agreed that henceforth Danawanons in Southern California will observe the feast of Santo Tomas de Villanueva with one joint religious activities and festivities to coincide with Danao City’s fiesta Celebration. (MB)

Our very own Benny Peralta will soon be missed by fellow Danawanons in Los Angeles, for at least a year, during the entire production of a Gringo Honasan  flick “Run Gringo, Run”

Benny has been offered to play the lead role as Gringo by an Oscar nominated action film director that Benny met and befriended while frequenting a topless bar in Hollywood.

According to Benny’s Manager, Paeng Mangubat,   the Gringo Honasan movie is a first Paramount Pictures-Viva Films joint production  that will be filmed entirely in Manila and Montalban, Rizal.

Paeng Mangubat further revealed that Viva Films at first wanted Sharon Cuneta as lead actress to portray the role as Gringo’s mistress, but Benny’s wife timely shot it down.

Norma Peralta insisted to cast Citas Villareal instead of Sharon or she would have his husband out of the picture.

By December Benny is expected to make his appearances in Manila’s TV talk show circuits, guesting at Inday Badiday’s Show or in Kuya Germ’s That’s Entertainment.

Film clips from the Danao City fiesta parade where Benny was Grand Marshall will be shown on Manto’s Cable TV according to Paeng Mangubat. (MB)

This could be a  boon to the city’s sagging economy or a bane to the pistoleros of Danao.

Danao gunmakers could be subject to a massive and sustained efforts to put them in jail and out of business, as both FBI and the CIA are alarmed of the non-stop entry to the U.S. of the Danao Paltik and into the hands of criminals.

The once derided poor quality Made-in-Suba handguns have become the weapons of choice among inner city criminals according to an FBI report.

Retired gun-designer and paltik shop owner Kikong Barriga said, “the new paltiks of Danao are no longer the type that breaks apart after a shot which only  the Muslims of Mindanao would dare buy in bulk.”

“In fact, the .357 paltik has far more firepower than its U.S. counterpart made by Smith & Wesson”, Kikong said.

Thanks to Clinton’s anti-crime bill that bans the sale of U.S. made guns to civilians, the hunble paltik of Danao has wiggled its way into the lucrative underground American market.  MM

So bizarre was how a healthy paramedic died after applying CPR that saved the life a Barangay Caputatan resident.

Salvador del Mundo-Casas, a 23-year old Paramedic of the Danao City Rescue Unit quickly responded to an emergency call and miraculously saved the life of Eduardito Kandingon of Barangay Caputatan.

Kandingon who accidentally shallowed a fairly good size cooked “butete” was black and blue and hardly breathing when the Mobile Rescue Unit arrived at the scene.

In a strange twist of fate, paramedic Mundo-Casas, savior and hero, who applied every skills he learned in life-saving emergency training, died instead, after giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to revive Kandingon.

The circumstance of the paramedic’s death was rather unusual according to Cebu City Coroner Dr. Jesus Cerna, who conducted the autopsy.

Dr. Cerna said the young and athletic paramedic fainted and never recovered after a prolonged mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Cause of death was cardiac arrest resulting from extremely foul breath.

Further investigation revealed Kandingon, known in Barangay Caputatan as paltik maker and notorious shabu pusher, admitted he never, in his life, brushed his teeth.

Kandingon further said that aside from butete he also had dayok (salted mussels) and amahong (salted fish guts) for breakfast.

Salvador del Mundo Casas, whose body lies in wake at Esteban’s Funeral Parlor, was posthumously cited at the Danao City Council Session for his heroism, giving his life while in the performance of duty.  (MB)

Witnessed by at least 5 other fishermen, Cebu Custom Examiner Periong Satina, caught what appeared to be a 18-year old mermaid (serena or kataw) while fishing at the pantalan.

Either scared of revenge from other under-the-sea creatures, or probably his wife, Malda, may not like the prospect of keeping an extremely beautiful half-woman, half-fish mammal at their house, Periong decided to let go of the mermaid.  (MM)

Accompanied by L.A. businessman Fred Tuadles, Donald Trump visited Barangay Look to inspect the progress of on-going construction of the Tump Palace, the biggest gambling casino in the Pacific Rim.

Capitalized at .5 billion, the Trump Palace will feature the best of Las Vegas, designed to attract high rollers of Japan, Hongkong, Taiwan and Middle Eastern oil potentates.

But there’s a hitch. Celsa Banzon, Looc’s fearless opposition leader, vowed to block its opening.

Celsa has reportedly formed an alliance with local NPAs and fishermen’s associations to put pressure on the Ramos Administration to convert the Casino  into a fish market. MM

When Durano family spokesman, Nards Capitan announced that neither in*censored*bent Danao City Mayor Jesus ‘Don’ Durano nor any member of his family would seek elective positions in the 1995 election, Danao’s political wannabees went scrambling to take a shot in the mayorship including ex-convict Santiago Sepulveda.

Contrary to reports that Danao’s most wanted fugitive was shot dead in an encounter with police authorities, Ago Sepulveda is very much alive and kicking and has declared his candidacy for city mayor under the KBL banner with Warlito Dungog as running mate.

Ago Sepulveda who has become an active preacher of the local Iglesia ni Kristo since his release, vowed to clean up the city from drugs and prostitution which plaque the city following the closure of the Clark Air Base and the Subic Naval Base.

Dungog, likewise, pledged to create an anti-crime unit to rid the city of all drug pushers and othe crime elements and would push for the passing of an ordinance banning the sale of alcoholic drinks.

The KBL camp hinted that their candidates enjoy the financial support of a religious sect, including the El Shaddai. KBL Chairman Tomas Juntilla is confident of a landslide victory.